To fail at a task or goal is one thing. Fearing or anticipating failure without even trying is another ball game altogether.

The fear of failure can be crippling, and it can prevent a person from reaching their full potential. The reason adolescents develop a fear of failure often stems from unrealistic pressure to win and succeed.

Now, this pressure could be from parents, teachers, peers, or friends. Or it could be self-directed, especially if they associate success as crucial for acceptance by parents/family/teachers or within their immediate social groups.

Some adolescents can channel failure into improvement, while others take failures to heart and develop crippling fears. In extreme cases, they may even develop a mental disorder such as depression or anxiety.

As parents, you can do a lot to help your child develop a healthy attitude towards failure and help them overcome the anxiety and apprehensions that comes from a fear of failure.

Associate Success with Effort Instead of the End Results

Every parent wants their child to succeed. However, it is important for teens to know and understand that the effort they put in is as much a part of the success formula as is the end result.

Don’t just praise your child for getting a high score on a test or for hitting a home run; make it a point to praise their study habits and their commitment to batting practice, too.

The next time your child scores an “A” on that math test, instead of saying “I am so proud you got an A,” you could try saying something like “I know how hard you worked for that test. All that hard work really paid off!”

It is crucial for your child to know that your appreciation and love is not linked to how well they perform at school or at a sport.

4 Steps to Help Your Teen Overcome Fear of Failing

• Talk to your teenage child about failure and discuss how they feel; encourage them to openly talk about the emotions associated with failures such as anger or embarrassment. It is important for them to talk about how they feel instead of bottling their emotions.
• Cite personal stories of famous personalities who fought through their failures and succeeded in their lives instead of giving up.
• If you have a personal story about overcoming failure in your own life, share that with your child so they understand how failure can be a good teacher or present them with opportunities to succeed.
• If your child is struggling with school or club activities, encourage them to ask for help and work with them to find a solution to the problem instead of avoiding or ignoring it.

Seeking Professional Help

The fear of failure is something that even adults experience. The brain of an adolescent is still developing which means they are unable to process a lot of emotions associated with failure which include embarrassment, anxiety, or anger and logically work through their difficulties.

This is when your support and understanding can enable your child to not only correctly process the fear of failure and its associated emotions, but to overcome their fears.

However, if you find it difficult to communicate with your child, consulting with a professional counselor might help. It becomes absolutely necessary to consult with a professional counselor if mental health conditions such as depression or anxiety are triggering the fear of failure in your teenager.

In addition, the fear of failure could lead to depression or other mental conditions and even drive your adolescent towards addictions and substance abuse or destructive behavior. 

Professional counseling can help identify the triggers for your child’s fear of failure. Once the cause is known, professional counselors can then work out a plan for addressing these factors and help your adolescent overcome their fears.

Professional Counseling with Doorways

If your teen or someone you know is struggling with a fear of failure and you feel they need professional help, we are here. Please feel free to connect with us at Doorways or give us a call at 602-997-2880.

Why do Teens Stop Talking?

Teens are trying to figure out who they are and become independent. They develop a strong desire to limit how much information they disclose about themselves. However, they do want to have conversations with their parents, but on their own terms. Not yours. If you understand this, you can improve the dialogue between you and your adolescent, but it does take patience, time and practice. Here are six suggestions to improve the conversational flow:

1. Ask Indirect Questions

Instead of jumping in feet first and demanding, “Were there drugs at the party?” Consider asking: “How many kids were at the party?” Your teen is much more likely to talk if you don’t make them feel they’re under an interrogation. So, if you start with an innocuous question to get the conversation going, you’re more likely to get the answer to the question that you really want answered.

2. Listen, Listen, Listen

It’s important to control any impulse to interrupt because once you do, they’re likely to shut down. Just let them talk and vent if they want. Your teen will be so appreciative when you allow them to express themselves and they know you’re concentrating on what they’re saying.

3. Stay Calm

Once you overreact and get angry or upset, they will clam up, because you’re giving them the impression that you can’t cope with what you hear. It’s quite possible you may get agitated at what you are being told but try to breathe deeply and present as calm a demeanor as possible so that they will continue to be open with you.

4. Try Not to Judge

Teenagers care how they come across to their parents. If your teen gets the slightest hint of disapproval – even from nonverbal cues – they are likely to call a halt to the conversation. It’s much better to wait until your adolescent has completely filled you in. If you are alarmed at what you have heard, give yourself a chance to calm down before talking to them about your concerns.

5. Be Available

Adolescents are very sensitive to what they perceive as a lack of interest and availability on the part of their parents. So, set aside some time in your busy schedule to be available so they have a chance to talk to you. When they’re in a room with you, consider turning off your computer or the TV so that you can give your full, undivided attention.

6. Initiate One-on-one Talks

Conversations just between the two of you, with no other audience present (like siblings), will be much appreciated because teens are both private and self-conscious. Respect their desire for privacy and choose a time to talk when the two of you can be alone.

Why is Good Communication with My Teen Important?

Parents should not underestimate the value of good communication with their teen. An adolescent who can communicate well with their parents is more likely to make good decisions, is less susceptible to pressure from peers, and will tend to have better self-esteem.

If You Need Help with Your Teen

It could be that, despite your best efforts, you still aren’t communicating very well with your teen. You might be wondering if this is because they have a serious problem that you’ve been unable to discover. The teenage years can involve a whole host of issues – underage drinking, drug abuse, eating disorders, depression, and cyber-bullying, to name just a few. Doorways is here to give you some help. Our counselors are trained to get adolescents to open up about their problems, so set up an initial, no-charge consultation with us. We can help improve communication between you and your teen.

The U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services has designated July as Purposeful Parenting Month, so let’s think about what this means when it comes to your teenager. Purposeful parenting is about being an active, engaged parent, and providing your adolescent with the best support to enable a meaningful future life. Here are six things you need to know or do to be a more purposeful parent.

1. Adolescents Live in the Present

Teens in the early and middle years of high school are not usually spending a lot of time thinking about college and the future. They might just want to hang out with friends, listen to the latest music, or play video games. It’s important to understand that teens typically live in the here and now. To adolescents, the future seems way off in the distance. However, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to instill some sense of direction into your teen’s life as preparation for the years ahead.

2. Teens May Be Afraid

One of the main reasons many teenagers seem to have little ambition about their future is because they are scared of it. Adolescents are reluctant to acknowledge and admit their fears, especially to their parents, but most are afraid of the responsibilities they’ll face when they are no long living at home. They also worry they won’t be able to get a good job. And, these days, going to college often means ending up with a huge debt. These concerns make looking ahead scary and uncertain.

3. Keep an Open Mind

Adolescents can have interests that their parents don’t particularly like or think worthwhile. However, it’s hard to have a close relationship with your teen if you belittle their interests. Instead, engage your teenager in conversation. For instance, if your adolescent enjoys video games, ask them what aspects of gaming they find the most interesting – the technology, the story-line, the graphics, the competition between players? Offer your adolescent opportunities they will find appealing. For example, you might arrange to tour a studio that creates video games. A supportive approach can help create self-direction and motivation in your teen.

4. Share Your Own Sense of Purpose

Talk to your teen about what you find purposeful and meaningful in your life and work. Don’t concentrate on how much money you make; rather, try making your teen understand how work serves essential social needs and can also fulfill a personal sense of purpose. If you have a job that you aren’t happy with, talk to your adolescent about how they have the opportunity to do something more purposeful with their lives.

5. Find Mentors

Adolescents often look to people outside their homes for ideas and inspiration to help them find their own pathways. Be proactive in finding and introducing your teen to people who will inspire them. If your teen’s interest in something increases, give them encouragement to motivate them to learn even more.

6. Encourage Adventure

If your teen has a deep interest in something, encourage them to dive in more deeply by:

• Fostering a can-do, optimistic, attitude.
• Helping to set clear goals and realistic attainment plans.
• Brainstorming possible solutions to difficulties.
• Encouraging persistence.
• Supporting risk-taking to learn new skills.

A Purposeful Relationship with Your Teenager is Possible

Your job as a parent is to create an environment where self-motivation is most likely to flourish. Purposeful parenting is not easy. So, if you find you are having problems with your teen that are impeding your attempts to be a purposeful parent, talk to Doorways to find out how we can help. An initial consultation is free, so take a purposeful step towards solving your problem with your adolescent, by giving us a call.

Without parental guidance, most teens will spend almost all their time outside the classroom transfixed by a screen. They may be texting on their phones, connecting with their Facebook “friends,” or watching videos on their tablets. In addition, many adolescents are multi-tasking – for instance watching TV or doing homework while also scrolling through social media.

How Much Time Are Teens Spending on Line?

The answer is a lot! A recent study by Pew Research found that 50% of teens say they are online almost all the time. (This percentage has risen from 24% in Pew’s 2014-15 study.) 44% of the teens participating in the new study reported being online multiple times during the day. So, what can you as a concerned parent do to limit your adolescent’s screen time, especially when they say “everybody’s doing it”? Here are some helpful strategies.

Make Screen Time a Privilege

Your adolescent may feel that screen time is a right and should be available 24/7. It may be difficult to change this mindset, but try to get across the notion that digital time is a privilege. Teach your teenager that homework and chores come before logging in to Facebook or watching a YouTube video.

Talk About Multitasking

Your adolescent will think they’re an expert multitasker. Explain to your teen how multitasking disperses concentration and that you are sure your teen’s homework will get higher marks if they are not texting or talking on their phone at the same time they are trying to solve a math problem or write an essay.

Establish Clear Guidelines

Most families lead busy lives and time spent together is priceless, so banish smartphones from the dinner table. Many adolescents admit to staying up late to check their Facebook account and even to waking up during the night and logging in. So, set a curfew on your teen’s computer screen and banish your teen’s cell phone from their bedroom.

Be a Role Model

If your adolescent points out that while you expect them to limit their use of electronics, you stare at your own smartphone screen or computer just as much, you are sending the wrong message. You will only be a good role model if you limit your own screen time.

Encourage Time Away From Electronics

Do your best to encourage your adolescent to leave their smartphone behind and get some physical exercise during the week. Take the dog for a walk, shoot basketball hoops, do some yard work. On weekends do things as a family – hiking, sailing, playing tennis, visiting the local rock climbing gym. Take a break from the digital world every now and again with a completely screen-free half-day once a week. And, consider an extended digital detox like a seven-day vacation without electronics.

Include Your Adolescent in Screen Time Discussions

Before deciding on media limits with your teen, make sure you and your partner are on the same page. Once you have a strategy in place, hold informal family meetings on the subject of online time. Encourage input from your adolescent, and problem solve together. Make it clear that regulating screen time is not a punishment but that you want your teen to have a healthy relationship with electronics.

The Bottom Line

As reported in a previous article, it’s quite evident that excessive screen time can be harmful to adolescents. Interacting with digital technology is not going to disappear from your teen’s life, so it’s important to teach your adolescent how to use it in a sensible and responsible way. If you need help with any teen problem caused by your teenager’s online life, talk to Doorways to see how we can help. An initial discussion with one of our trained teen counselors won’t cost you anything except some offline time.

Changing Attitudes: It’s Not a ‘Rite of Passage’

Because far too many parents do regard underage drinking as a rite of passage, this theme provides an excellent opportunity to talk about alcohol and teens.

The Dangers of Teen Drinking

Teen drinking is directly associated with failure in school, alcohol overdose, violence, unsafe sex, suicide, drowning, and traffic fatalities. The teenage brain encourages teens to take risks, and alcohol can only make these risks even riskier. Alcohol can have unpredictable effects, and teens don’t have the necessary judgment and coping skills to handle it wisely. Too many parents just sit back and hope their teen will “get through it.” A better way is for you to take an active role in talking to your teen about the dangers of alcohol.

What Research Shows

The Youth Risk Behavior Survey of 2015 questioned high school students and found that during the prior 30 days:

• • 33% imbibed some amount of alcohol.

• • 18% indulged in binge drinking.

• • 8% drove a vehicle after drinking.

• 20% were passengers in a car where the driver had been drinking.

Another survey found that more girls than boys in the 12-17 age group were drinking.

The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) believes that teens who have conversations with their parents about alcohol are more aware of its dangers and are less likely to start drinking.

Talking to Your Teen About Alcohol

You may find that your teen tries to dodge a conversation about drinking. It’s sound advice not to just jump in feet first. Before talking to your teen, think about what you want to discuss. Choose a time to have a conversation when both of you have some “down time” and are feeling relaxed. It’s not necessary to try to cover everything at once. And, most important, do your best to have a conversation, not give a lecture!

Find Out What Your Teen Thinks

A good way to begin is to ask your teen what they know about alcohol, teen drinking, and why teens drink. Listen without interrupting so that your teen feels heard and respected. This first step can serve as a natural “lead-in” to provide your teen with the following facts.

• • Alcohol is a potent drug. It slows reaction time, impairs coordination, and clouds clear thinking.

• • Wine and beer are not “safer” than distilled spirits.

• • One drink takes 2-3 hours to leave the body. There’s no way to speed this up – not taking a cold shower, drinking coffee, nor “walking it off.”

• • Teens who drive after drinking are not in full control of their reactions.

• Teens can develop serious alcohol problems.

Set Boundaries for Your Teen

Most teens see adults drinking around them and don’t perceive that these adults have any problems. Explain that alcohol has a greater effect on the still maturing teen brain than on a fully-developed adult brain, and emphasize the following:

• • You don’t want your teen to drink. Your values count, even though your teen may not always acknowledge it.

• • Drinking under age 21 is illegal. Emphasize that even if the police aren’t involved, the parents of a drinking teen’s friend may ban the friendship.

• • You want your teen to have self-respect. Tell your teen that they are too smart and have too much going for them to need the crutch of alcohol.

• • Tell your teen never to get into a car with a driver who has been drinking.

• • Explain that drinking can lead to sexual assault and unprotected sex.

• • If there is a family history of alcoholism, bring it into the open. Research shows that family history may play a part in alcohol dependency.

• • Point out that imbibing alcohol while the brain is still maturing may lead to loss of IQ and may increase the likelihood of adult alcohol dependence.

• Talk about how to handle peer pressure. Offer to pick your teen up from a party where drinking has occurred and stress that you won’t scold.

If You Need Assistance

If you suspect that your teen has a drinking problem, consider getting advice from a professional counselor specializing in alcohol problems. Here at Doorways, our counselors are trained to deal with teen drinking issues. Set up a free consultation to find out how we can help your teen. Alcohol use is a risky business for teens, but parents can make a difference.