You get a phone call at work from your daughter’s school.  The Vice Principal would like to meet with you as soon as possible about a bullying incident involving your daughter.  Your heart sinks as you promise to be there as soon as you can.  You wonder if she is ok, worry about the long term ramifications she will face from being bullied, try to figure out what she is getting picked on for and think back over her whole life to see if there is something more you could have done to protect her.

It never crosses your mind that your daughter isn’t the one being bullied; she is the bully.

We as parents struggle to see anything but the best in our children and often it doesn’t seem possible that they could be the one hurting someone else. Unfortunately, the numbers don’t lie which means there are 2.1 million sets of parents out there who have a child who is a bully.  Parents are essential to the prevention and elimination of this kind of behavior and that includes all parents, not just those of the children who are the victims.  Parents of bullies may be the key to turning the tide against this pervasive crime being committed against and by our children everyday.

How Can You Tell if Your Child is a Bully?

The first thing parents need to do is come to terms with the fact that their child is engaging in behavior that is unhealthy for them and damaging to others.  An adolescent that is bullying others is not necessarily a “bad kid” and being the parent of a bully doesn’t automatically mean that you are a bad parent.  People engage in bullying behavior for a reason and the most important thing you can do to help your child is to uncover that reason.

If you are concerned that your child may be bullying others, there are some things you can look for.  Bullies lack empathy and struggle feeling or finding sympathy for others.  Bullies believe that aggression is a valuable tool for dealing with other people and often exhibit a belligerent attitude.  Bullies like to be the leader, the one in charge, and the one who makes and enforces the rules.  When they win, they like to lord it over those they beat and when they lose, it is everyone’s fault but their own.  They are impulsive and may exhibit bullying behavior toward siblings.   Bullying behavior includes any verbal, social, physical, or online action that is repetitive and intentionally harmful.

What Makes Children and Teens Bully Others?

The perception that every bully is a social outcast who is lashing out at others in an attempt to repair or elevate their own self-esteem is outdated.  While this does describe some bullies, it also contributes to the idea that popular, socially-adept adolescents with intact families aren’t bullies, which is not the case.  Teenagers bully others for a variety of reasons many of which start at home.  If your child is being bullied or has been bullied by someone at home, they may model that behavior and bully others.   Children who never learn or lack empathy may become bullies because they don’t take the feelings of the other person into account.  Whatever the reason, adolescents need to be taught that this behavior is never acceptable.

How Does Bullying Affect the Bully?

Being bullied can have devastating, life-long affects, but being the bully can also cause long term problems.  Children who bully others are more likely to struggle in school, to smoke, to drink, and to engage in criminal behavior into their adult years.  When children bully others and experience no repercussions, it reinforces the idea that this behavior is acceptable and that being mean-spirited, dismissive, and degrading to other people can be a source of power.  This is a dangerous lesson that underlines how important it is for parents to stand up, step in, and speak out.

How Can You Help Your Child?

Here are some things you can do to help your child see that bully behavior is not acceptable and encourage them to stop participating or engaging in things that are intentionally damaging to others.

1. Treat the issue as seriously as it is.  It isn’t a phase or something they will grow out of.  You need to reinforce the idea that intentionally causing harm to others is never acceptable.
2. Work with your child to uncover the reason for their behavior.  It may be helpful to seek the services and expertise of a medical practitioner, counselor, or therapist. This is also a great time to connect with your child’s teachers, school counselor, or other school resource to talk about any problems or difficulty in school.
3. Model the behavior you want your child to emulate.  Be empathetic, show sympathy for others, don’t fly off the handle and lash out in anger.
4. Help your child develop positive problem solving skills.
5. Never allow bullying behavior to continue in your presence no matter who is doing the bullying.
6. Talk to your child away from their peers; don’t bring up this or other sensitive topics in front of others.
7. See the new documentary called Bully as a family and use it as a way to start and/or continue the conversation.

Related articles

• 7 Signs Your Child is Being Bullied (doorwaysarizona.com)

In a previous blog post we looked at how peer pressure can have a negative impact on teenagers as well as its influence on their thinking, actions and decisions.

In this article we will look at cyberbullying, another form of negative peer pressure which has quickly emerged in the last few years as a major factor in instances of depression and suicide not only in teens but also in young adults.

The reach of social platforms is extensive.

Cyberbullying is a form of peer abuse which takes places in the virtual space. And because it can happen via chat, on forums, through blogs and websites, social sites, email, or phone messages, addressing the issue can be difficult for parents.

Cyberbullies Enjoy Virtual Anonymity

The bigger danger with cyberbullying is that unlike traditional bullying, where the aggressor’s identity is easy to establish, cyberbullies can hide behind the wall of anonymity and continue to attack the victim in a relentless manner.

They often use fake profiles, avatars, and a variety of screen names when attacking their targets. Targeting can happen through a text-war or abusive comments, name-calling, or victim shaming through pictures (often morphed), misinformation or deliberate spread of false information and rumors.

Dangers of Cyberbullying on Young Lives

The reason why cyberbullying is so dangerous is because of the negative impact it can have on the lives of teens and young adults. It not only affects their social relationships, but it can lead to self-esteem issues, or in extreme cases even lead to a self-harming behavior well into adulthood.

It is vital to note that cyberbullying is not limited to teenagers. College students, and young adults, face cyberbullying either at the college level or even in their workplace.

Social penetration is pervasive and any kind of content, or online activity which has a resonating value among a group, will get amplified.

The effects of such actions or activity on a teenager or young adult can be crippling. Here are some of the challenges and dangers of cyberbullying:

• Tracking online bullying is difficult for both parents, guardians, and teachers since the bullying happens over platforms and through mediums they may not be privy to.
• Cyberbullying can lead to increased levels of depression and anxiety among teens.
• It could also lead to the teen harboring suicidal tendencies.
• Just as in the case with traditional bullying, cyberbullying can impact school life and academics.
• The feeling of vulnerability and the shaming that the victims of cyberbullying must endure can continue well into their adulthood since in most cases, the information stays online even if the immediate harmful content is deleted.
• The victim could develop a fear of any online threats becoming a reality which could lead them withdrawing away from family and friends. It can shatter their confidence in this world which correlates with a lessoning of their quality of life.
• Since most teens and young adults spend a lot of time online, they might feel helpless and get trapped into a state of constant victimhood thinking they can’t escape cyberbullying.

Preventing Cyberbullying – The Role of Parents and Guardians

Open communication is the most important aspect of preventing cyberbullying whether it happens at school or in the workplace from impacting the life of teens and young adults, respectively.

Talk to your children when they are of school-age and tell them why cyberbullying is not acceptable in any form. It is a reality to anyone interacting in the virtual world and it is best to learn about early on.

However, students and young professionals can do a lot to prevent cyberbullying from happening in the first place. Simple preventive steps include:

• Never share passwords and exchange personal information online.
• Don’t share pictures with strangers or people you are not very familiar with.
• Talk to a parent or teacher/guardian about being a victim of cyberbullying.
• Be clear that they will not be punished (blocking their internet access) if they come to you about being bullied or targeted online – it is important that your child knows you will not judge them.
• If your child is in college and you suspect, they are a victim of this form of bullying, try to talk to them about it and how they need to ignore it or report it someone in authority. Print it out – document it.
• Don’t respond to cyberbullies in any way – well not without the aid of someone in authority.
• Don’t do anything with the aim of extracting revenge on cyberbullies – then you may become the person you dislike.
• Show or instruct your child on how they can block or delete unwanted messages.
• Any time they see messages or posts which are harmful, or which target them, tell them to take screenshots as proof.
• Inform them that help can be sought from social media helplines, moderators, or service providers by reporting any instances of cyberbullying and finding ways of identifying or blocking cyberbullies from acting in this manner.

Social Media is Everywhere

Bullying and abuse can happen in many different forms. However, the ubiquitous nature of social media and kind of anonymity it offers to users, makes cyberbullying a very dangerous form of abuse.

Tackling the issue requires a consolidated social, political, and legal approach. Until that happens, it is the job of parents and guardians to keep children safe and protected from the dangers of cyberbullying.

How Doorways Can Help Victims of Abuse

Teens and young adults today face trials and challenges which make them extremely vulnerable to mental and physical disorders. At Doorways, our aim is to help young lives overcome some of these difficulties and to help them live strong and healthy lives.

We have specific programs which focus on teen and young adult mental health treatment. Some of the programs include individual and family counseling for teens and young adults between the ages of 13-25.

If your child or someone close to you is depressed, anxious, or if you suspect they are harboring suicidal tendencies, please connect with us at Doorways. We can help in identifying the underlying cause for the condition and provide professional counseling and help. You can also give us a call at 602-997-2880.

As teenagers start exploring the world around them, their contact base will expand beyond their immediate circle of family, friends, and relatives to include another important section known as peer groups.

Peer groups enjoy a certain degree of acceptability based on shared similarities such as gender, community, age, and activity, which makes them a substantially influential group.

If the influence of peer groups is positive, it will lead to positive outcomes. However, if the influence is negative such as encouraging addictions, or substance abuse, or other forms of risky behavior, the implications can be dangerous for your teenager.

Identifying “Peer Groups” in Your Teen’s Life

As a parent it is important you are aware of the kind of ideas and influences your teen is being exposed to on a day-to-day basis. Which is why it is important you identify the peer groups that can influence your teen.

Peers or peer groups are a set of individuals your teen admires or identifies with in some way. These peers or peer groups can be from different places such as school, or at an after-school club or activity, from the neighborhood, or even via social platforms and online forums.

Why do Teens Feel Pressure to “Fit In”?

The need to “fit-in” or be one amongst a crowd can drive teens to succumb to peer pressure. So, a teen who wants the approval of these peer groups will feel pressured to mimic their behaviors and actions.

Bullying could also be a major reason for teens to succumb to peer pressure. In both instances, it is the pressure of conforming to a certain group or expectation which can lead to behavioral changes among teenagers.

Important Signs of Peer Pressure

Teenagers who enjoy healthy and positive relations with their friends and family, are better positioned to deal with peer pressure.

However, teens who are isolated or those who don’t have the buffer of family and friends, tend to be more vulnerable to peer pressure. If your teen is facing peer pressure, there are several signs which will indicate the same. You should be worried if your teen displays one or more of the following:

• Is irritable or shows signs of depression.
• Indulges in substance abuse and other forms of addiction (gaming, smoking, drugs, and alcohol).
• Starts displaying behavioral changes that are out of character.
• Displays sudden change in belief and attitude.
• Is overly worried about not “fitting-in.”
• Is easily influenced to think or act a certain way regardless of the dangers or risks involved.
• Is easily influenced by “friends” – and as parents, these “friends” make you feel anxious or concerned.
• Shows little or no interest in school and studies.

If you find it difficult to communicate with your child, are unable to help them deal with peer pressure, or find the above symptoms are getting worse, it is best to seek professional help.

Positive Impact of Peer Pressure on Your Teen

While peer pressure generally carries a negative connotation, this is not the case every time. So, while one set of people might have a negative influence on your teen, another set of people from the same age group or gender, can have a positive influence. As parents, it is easy to get overprotective of your child.

However, if you notice positive changes in your child after they start interacting or associating with a certain peer group, it is important to appreciate and encourage these interactions.

If you notice your teen is more confident, or is pursuing healthy interests and habits, or enjoys a greater sense of belonging which is having an overall positive impact on their thinking and decision making — encourage them!

Don’t be suspicious of every action; getting a tattoo does not necessarily mean your teen is associating with drug addicts or has fallen into bad company. Perhaps it is simply a sign of artistic expression.

Communicate with your teen and support their decisions. If you are against a particular action or idea, explain your reasons for feeling the way you do. Above all, support them so they know they can always depend on you regardless of what transpires in the outside world.

Knowing When to Ask for Help

If your teen enjoys a healthy relationship with their peers, you have nothing to worry about. The only time you should be concerned is when peer pressure starts having a negative impact on your teenager’s life and the choices they make. If you are unable to help, then seeking professional help is the best way forward.

How Doorways Can Help Your Teen

Here at Doorways, we are aware of the trials and pressures teenagers face in their growing years. We also know that each teen has their own way of dealing with these pressures – some find their own path, others need a little help.

Our role as behavioral therapists and professional counselors is to help teens and their families deal with peer pressure in a positive and constructive way and build confidence for all parties involved.

If you suspect your teen is facing peer pressure and needs help, please connect with us at Doorways. We can also be reached at 602-997-2880.